Subject: Love Languages
Date: July 25, 2004 06:35 pm
LOVE LANGUAGES
By: Mary Camejo, LMHC
Counseling Catholics.com
Through my couples workshops and private sessions, with married and engaged couples, I have found unfortunately that many feel empty and unloved. Their style of communicating love has a great deal to do with this feeling. Many spouses feel that they have given their all and have no more to give. Others feel overwhelmed and suffocated by their relationships. It is very important to know ourselves and our spouses or the person we are looking to marry. Most successful relationships are comprised of individuals that know each others love language and speak it well.
Sometimes couples remarry based on the loss of “love feelings” only to find themselves in another “loveless” relationship. Others are looking for that person who makes them feel loved and yet they never quite find it. If you were in a relationship with someone who spoke a language different to your native tongue you would have to learn his/her language in order to communicate. If you spoke Italian and your spouse or fiancé spoke French it would be important to learn some special words in each others language. If I say in Italian “I love you,” to my French husband or boyfriend, he will recognize in my body language and tone of voice that I have spoken words of endearment. Yet, how very special and undeniable it would be if I learn to say “I love you” in French, then he will have no doubt of what I have said. His heart will experience clearly the knowledge that I love him.
If you are feeling empty then perhaps your “love tank” or heart is giving more than it receives. This can be changed if you recognize what you prefer and share the information with your wife, husband, boyfriend or girlfriend. Most couples speak different love languages and must step out of their comfort zone or love language preference to speak to the other. This takes time, compassion and commitment. Some couples are blessed with the same love language. Couples with the same love language usually feel fulfilled and are able to replenish each others “love tank,” because they do not have to leave their comfort zone or love language preference to speak to the other.
According to Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, there are five basic love languages that we speak. I recommend this book highly to those who are interested in recognizing their own love language and the love language of the person whom they want to express intimate love too.
The five love languages are:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch
Some of you may question how it is possible to speak each others love language when you have verbally abused each other and are full of hurt and resentments? The answer lies in our ability to make choices. We may have spoken critically or hurtful in the past but are now ready to apologize and make a choice to speak differently in the future. I have seen marriages and formal relationships at the verge of dissolving, only to be saved when the couple makes the committed choice to love and respect each other. A choice to speak each others love language and help each other feel loved.
We all know that we cannot give what we do not possess. If I am empty of love then I am unable to give it in return. If I am full of “Love” then I am able to give what my heart posses. It begins with a close communion with the Lord who is Love. We must be willing to heal the wounds that exist within our relationships to fill our emotional love bank.
If your spouse is Physical Touch, and I must make a point here, this includes but is not limited to sexual intimacy. Physical touch is holding, hugging, and snuggling. Again, if your spouse is Physical Touch and you’re Quality Time, you need to hold your spouse, hold hands, and sit in close proximity. On the other hand, because you are quality time your spouse should invite you to the movies, special dinner engagements, walks on the beach or picnics. In this way you will be speaking each others love language and know with certainty that you are loved. You will hear a great big “I LOVE YOU” with every act.
When you look after each other, the reciprocity creates trust. If you are sure that your spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend cares about your well being and they also know that you care about their needs, then you do not have to watch over yourself and can love the other selflessly. “Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph. 5: 21). It is important to note that before St. Paul commanded a wife to submit to her husband or a husband to love his wife, he commands both to submit to each other.
What you most request from your spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend usually reflects your love language.
Examples:
- Words of Affirmation: “I need to hear that you love me” or “You never thank me”
- Quality Time: “We do not spend enough time together” or “Why do I always have to
go out by myself”
- Receiving gifts: “You do not surprise me with flowers anymore.” or “I remember
when you brought me something special when you went shopping”
- Acts of Service: “When was the last time you helped me with housework?” or “You
no longer pack my lunch”
- Physical Touch: “You never hold my hand” or “I miss snuggling”
I am convinced that maintaining our love tanks, our very hearts full is of great importance for the well-being of our relationships. When a spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend declares, “I feel drained and empty. I don’t have any more to give,” I know that there is not an equality of giving love within that relationship. Make a willful commitment to develop trust through daily positive reinforcement. What better way to do this then through speaking each others “Love Language.” You are able to make a choice and change your communication style. Learning can be exciting and beneficial to all relationships.
-----
Message sent by KolbeNet WebTools
http://WebTools.KolbeNet.com/
|
