Subject: Spiritual Friendship
Date: July 8, 2004 06:56 am
June 18, 2004
Feast of the Sacred Heart
SPIRITUAL FRIENDSHIP
When we begin to pray and search for the person whom we will share the rest of our life, we are concerned about many things. In a society that is egocentric finding someone who will share our convictions and dreams is not an easy task. Yet, many are hopeful of finding their soul-mate. What is a soul-mate? Do the words themselves not define someone who is espoused to my soul? It is odd that so many who believe they found their perfect soul-mate end in divorce or separation.
It is my experience as a Catholic Counselor that many relationships lack the special bond that exists amongst true spiritual friends. Quite often, in our quest for the perfect soul-mate we search amongst those that are less than spiritual people. Our work, our play, our educational endeavors and unfortunately sometimes our religious involvements all bring us into relationships that draw us away from Christ.
Those searching for a soul-mate read on. If a soul-mate is someone who is concerned about the good of my soul…I too must be concerned for his/her soul. How can I want the best for a soul I do not know? Many profess their love but few cherish the soul. There is a distinction between the love of benevolence and the love of concupiscence or an acquisitive kind of love. St. Frances de Sales, On the Love of God explains, “The love of concupiscence makes us love something for the advantage that we expect from it, where as a love of benevolence makes us love something for its own good. It is necessary that friends love one another, that they know they love one another, and that they have communication, intimacy, and familiarity with one another.”
The emphasis that St. Francis De Sales gives to the role of communication in friendships helps us to better grasp its nature and to distinguish true friendships from those that are not worthy of the name. Communication is reciprocal love in the form of communication. St. Francis De Sales tells us, “friendship is the most dangerous love of all because the other loves can exist without communication, but friendship being totally based on it, we can hardly have a friendship with a person without sharing this person’s qualities” (Devout Life, p. 164).
There is a special quality and strength that emanates from those that exemplify spiritual friendship. The have “mutual and reciprocal communications that relate to charity, devotion, and Christian perfection…” (Devout Life, p.170) Many couples complain that they feel utilized and misunderstood by the other. If what is communicated is evil, vain and frivolous, then the friendship is evil, vain and frivolous. For a true and genuine friendship to exist, something good has to be communicated. The higher and more noble the good is, the more noble the friendship will be. (St. Francis de Sales) Is this not what we expect from our soul-mate?
Sadly, many think that spiritual friendships are rare and very difficult to find. According to Aelred of Rievaulx, (Cistercian monk and beloved father of many fellow monks), “No superhuman degree of goodness is necessary for true friendship. Even though the affections are difficult to control, this virtue, like all Christian virtues, is available to anyone who humbly seeks it. To renounce friendship as too difficult is not only to renounce virtue, but even true humanity, since to live without friendship is to live like a beast.”
Seeking, nurturing and protecting our spiritual friendships are important. Spiritual friends can be made between two men or two women. Yet, those eligible men and women who foster a spiritual friendship may have discovered the very soul-mate they have been longing. Two hearts united in affection to carry out and put into action that Love that is at the center of their souls.
How many people suffer today at the hands of those they consider friends. Aelred took a passage from Sirach and interpreted it to suggest that there were five things which would break the bonds of friendship: insult, attack, arrogance, betrayal of secrets, and the stab in the back.
In administering to those who are heartbroken, I have discovered that most have lived under constant insult, attack, arrogance, betrayal and stabs in the back by the very ones who vowed to love and honor them all the days of their lives. Mother Adela Galindo, Foundress of the Servants of the Pierced Hearts of Jesus and Mary in a recent Eucharistic Congress expressed a great sadness at the lack of fidelity. Spouses are unable to love fully because they are in constant fear of betrayal.
Soul-mates are two spirits bonded by ties of love and sweetness that make them one.
Spiritual friends share the knowledge and assertion that their love will endure all times. Although he/she is accused unjustly, though he/she is injured, though he/she is cast in the flames, though he/she is crucified, “he that is a friend loves at all times.” (Aelred of Rievaulx)
If you are seeking for that perfect soul-mate keep in mind that he/she is a gift. Enjoy and cherish the friendship that binds you as one in Christ. He who is the foundation of such a relationship upholds and transforms it.
Recently, to highlight the value of friendship, Fr. Orione (1872-1940) founder of the Little Work of Divine Providence and Father Di Francia (1851-1927) founder of the Divine Zeal and the Rogationists were canonized. The respective central commissions for their canonization prepared a pamphlet that shows a photograph of these two spiritual friends together.
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