Subject: Catholic Marriage Counseling
Date: February 23, 2004 12:12 am
In his weekly Sunday comments in St. Peter’s Square, Our Holiness John Paul II stated, “In our times, a misunderstood sense of rights has sometimes disturbed the nature of the family institution and conjugal bond itself.” “It is necessary that at every level, the efforts of those who believe in the importance of the family, based on matrimony, unite.”
If you are reading this article you must be interested in improving or learning more about your marriage or relationship. Living in a society that promotes individualism we are challenged to overcome our tendencies to live self-centered marriages. We are called to self-sacrifice and abnegation for the sake of our spouse and marriage.
Many of you have written and asked that I write about marriage. I begin by honoring all those who courageously have worked at their marriages in the midst of adversity. It is important to clarify a myth; against popular belief, good marriages are not conflict-free. We can all expect some conflict to arise periodically. Yet, it is the couples who can fight fair and create “win-win” solutions that maintain the healthiest relationships.
“Why do you call me Lord, Lord, and not put into practice what I teach you? Any man who desires to come to me will hear my words and put them into practice. I will show you with whom he is to be compared. He may be likened to the man who, in building a house, dug deeply and laid the foundation on a rock. When the floods came the torrent rushed in on that house, but failed to shake it because of its solid foundation. On the other hand, anyone who has heard my words but not put them into practice is like the man who built his house on the ground without any foundation. When the torrent rushed upon it, it immediately fell in and was completely destroyed.” Lk 6:46-49
I love to meditate upon our Lords words as they represent for me the construction of a marriage. How many of us, frivolously, begin to build our house upon soft ground? How many couples truly take the time to dig deep and find the Rock? Yet, without the Rock upon which we will lay the foundation of our marriage our house is destined to fall and be completely destroyed.
“The Love of husband and wife is perfected as it becomes triune... If there is only me and you, there is impenetrability and separateness. Not until there is a third acting element, as the soil in which the two vines intertwine, is there oneness… Without the Love of God, there is a danger of love dying of its own too; but when each loves the Flame of Love-over and above their two individual sparks, which have come from the Flame-then there is not absorption but communion. Then the love of the other becomes a proof that he loves God, for the other is seen in God and cannot be loved apart from Him.
The difference between this Triune Love as the basis of the love of husband and wife and its modern counterpart, which is duality, with its tension and conflict, is this: in the latter, each loves the other as a god, as an ultimate. But no human can long bear the attribute
of divinity; it is like resting a marble statue on the stem of a rose. When the “deity” of the other is deflated, either because it is exhausted or because one becomes accustomed to living with a “god” or a “goddess,” there is a terrific sense of boredom. To the extent that the other is blamed, and there begins to be cruelty, because of the supposed deceit.
In authentic love, the other is accepted not as a god but as a gift of God. As a gift of God, the other is unique and irreplaceable, a sacred trust, a mission to be fulfilled.” (Bishop Fulton J. Sheen, Three To Get Married, 1951).
Firmly upon the Rock set the foundation of your marriage, the four pillars Trust, Knowledge, Respect, and Understanding.
• Trust: Trust begins and ends with God. Develop a wellspring to TRUST through daily positive reinforcement, Acceptance of each other at face value, selfless love and not a selfish one. It is not, what will you do for me, but what I will do for you. It is a will to give, not to get. There is an extremely important area in the life of a husband and wife that needs to be completely trustworthy. Failure in this area will cause husband’s and wives trust to be weak in all other areas. Absolute FIDELITY to each other.
• Knowledge: “…Knowledge will please your soul.” Prv. 2:10 If you were asked to describe a wide range of characteristics about your spouse, what would you write?
• Respect: “…Each one (husband) should love his wife as he loves himself, the wife for her part showing respect for her husband.”
Eph 5:33 The most common type of disrespect is verbal abuse. Husbands and wives “You sin by anger in using angry words every time you raise your voice when you feel upset by something that is said or done to hurt your feelings; when you say harsh and bitter things without pausing to think of the meaning of what you are saying; when you use profanity or vulgar or even obscene words in your anger… With the tongue a person praises God, and with the tongue he curses men, who have been made after the likeness of God.” (Lawrence G. Lovasik, The Hidden Power of Kindness, 1961)
• Understanding: “Giving your daughter in marriage ends a great task; but give her to an understanding man.” Sir. 7:25 “The beginning of all understanding consists in this: that each one shall give the other freedom to be what he is, and not regard him from the point of view of egotism,... This is the attitude that brings about understanding. It presupposes that we give the other person the right to be him/herself; that we do not regard him/her as a piece of our own environment… Only then can we rightly ask, “Why does he do that? What experiences has she had? What is the history behind his behavior? Is the gruffness which he shows really violence or only a kind of shame which hides what is within? Is her impatience really such or only the hurt resulting from previous experiences?” (Romano Guardini, Learning the Virtues That Lead You to God, 1967) If you truly understand your spouse’s needs and struggles, you will demonstrate this understanding by helpful actions that deliver them from their hardship or suffering. Determine today specific ways that you can show your spouse that you are a husband or wife with an understanding heart.
Once the foundation has been laid you can begin to construct the walls that will keep safe and edify your marriage. The Sacraments, Forgiveness, Communication, Commitment and Prayer.
• Sacraments: “The purpose of the sacraments is to sanctify men, to build up the Body of Christ, finally, to give worship to God. Because they are signs they also instruct. They not only presuppose faith, but by words and objects they also nourish, strengthen, and express it. That is why they are called “Sacraments of Faith.” (Catechism of the Catholic Church ,1123) “…the Eucharist occupies a unique place as the “Sacrament of sacraments”: all the other sacraments are ordered to it as their end.” (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1211)
• Forgiveness: A fundamental cause of deteriorating love in a marriage is an unwillingness to forgive. (Offender) God says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). But first we must be sorry about what we’ve done. (Offended) Forgiveness does not need to be felt: “People, upon rationally determining that they have been unfairly treated, forgive when they willfully abandon resentment and related responses (to which they have a right), and endeavor to respond to the wrongdoer based on the moral principle of beneficence, which may include compassion, unconditional worth, generosity, and moral love (to which the wrongdoer, by nature of the hurtful act or acts, has no right).” Enright and Fitzgibbons, Helping Clients Forgive, 2002)
• Communication: While most of us communicate effectively in our work, effectiveness has a different meaning in an intimate relationship. How we communicate is the problem more often than what we communicate. “Love is patient; love is kind. Love is not jealous, it does not put on airs, it is not snobbish. Love is never rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not prone to anger; neither does it brood over injuries. Love does not rejoice in what is wrong but rejoices with the truth. There is no limit to love’s forbearance, to its trust, its hope, its power to endure.” (1 Cor. 13: 4-7)
• Commitment: “The only thing that will keep you from running to the arms of someone who “understand you” better than your spouse is clinging to the values taught by our church… But if you only have the easy values of polite society to hold on to,...your standing on shaky ground... Now is the time to develop a value system that is meaningful beyond the meetings you attend, the boards on which you serve…Christianity is more than a way of leading a good, upstanding life. Christianity is primarily concerned with sanctifying everything you do…” (Popcak, A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage, 1999)
• Prayer: Praying is not a means of controlling your spouse. In fact, it is quite the contrary. It’s laying down all claim of power in yourself, and relying on God’s power to transform you, your spouse, your circumstances, your family and your marriage.
You have just been introduced to most of the concepts that I use whenever I try to save a marriage. If you apply them all to your marriage, you will do what most couples want to do, but fail to do – fall in love and stay in love.
I pray that all marriages be a reflection of the Holy Family.
God bless You,
Mary
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